I am means…..

Posted by Aundra

Just when I  think I have learned the way to live, life changes and I am left the same as I began.
The more things change the more I am the same. It appears that my life is a constant irony of maturity and regression, but sense of progress is based on the illusion that things out there are going to remain the same and that, at last, I gained a little control.
But there will never be means to ends, only means. And I am means.
I am what I started out with, and when it is all over I will be all that is left of me.

If there is a me that curses and struggles and a me that winks and walks in peace, do I have a choice of selves?

There are occasions when I talk to a man who is riding high on some recent insight or triumph, and for the moment life probably seems to him to have no problems. But I just don’t believe that people are living the smooth, controlled, trouble-free existence that their careful countenances and bland words suggest.

Today never hands me the same thing twice and I believe that for almost everyone else life is also a mixture of unsolved problems, ambiguous victories, and vague defeats—-with very few moments of clear peace. I never do seem to quite get on top of it.
My struggle with today is worthwhile, but it’s a struggle nonetheless and one that seems never to end.
The payoff must be elsewhere, and I support that it’s within that laughing heart that can surface so unexpectedly.