Kudos To Me?

Posted by Aundra

There is something about compliments that scares me. Part of the reason may be that I am  afraid of getting something that can be subsequently taken away. I put myself in the hands of other people if I let my emotions lean on their statements.

Another reason: I am being put on the spot and now must watch what I do to keep them thinking this way about me.

Another: There is a part of me that knows I am not as good as their compliments imply.

Another: I have often been insincere when saying similar things.

The way I handle praise is honestly. Chelz said, ” you are one of the sweetest persons I have ever known”. I could have said, ” I believe I am sweet and but not as sweet as you see me.” We have known each other only for a short time and I have been putting my best foot forward. After you know me better I believe you will agree I can be as sour as the next girl.

My friendship with Chelz seems to typify a dynamic that many of my newly forming friendships go through. At first we saw only each others virtues. Now we are seeing only each others faults. If we make it through this latter stage, maybe we will see each other and truly be friends.

Interests change. Friendship based on mutual interests is doomed. Real friendship is an unshakable faith in what was once truly seen, no matter how recently or long ago.

Sometimes my contacts with people, even people I’m close to, are frustrating. Afterwards I feel dissatisfied, or sad, or even slightly irritated as if I have been wasting time. Surely these feelings must arise from a thwarting of my expectations. I go wanting something from the person and do not get it.

Things I might want: approval, help, fun, entertainment (escape from boredom), recogniton, love, sex, justification.

If I went wanting to be a friend rather than to have one, my want would not be frustrated.

Mood: Blah