I am no longer a victim, I am now a survivor

Posted by Aundra

All my life, I’ve written these words with no thoughts or intention of sharing them. Not even with my confidants. It wasn’t until going through my journals and notebooks that I realized how ready I am to share these secret thoughts. The experience below was so painful that the only way to express the confusion was to write it down. I have learned from the experience, I suffered from it and I have grown from it and I’m now aware of myself as a woman and as a person who goes through the things that cause life to be experienced in all its crazy, upside-down-sideways-inside- out glory. I am now aware of what I feel and how to deal and where to go from here. Reading these words reminds me that all i’ve gone through and all I’ve seen wasn’t in vain. It all adds up eventually.

I was your pretty little trophy;painted with smiles I displayed no pain.
You are, well, what are you my dad? I flinch at your name.
Memories haunt me the horrors are painted on my skin.
Fine lines define my torment and pain within.
You took my body and tore it in half as you held tightly to my calf.

I was so afraid of your physical strength; your hands were so big and rough.
I wrestled, I fought and I struggled, interestingly that wasn’t enough.
You told me to be quiet and not to tell a soul and eventually expressed that you had everything under control.

Where was my mother to protect me from your sickness, my shivering and such horror?
I was paralyzed but managed to run with tears and shame but the passage was too narrow
The outburst didn’t help as I ran through the mud. No one believed me not even my own blood.

How can I refrain from remembering when it’s all I’ve ever known?
Not only did you molest my body, you molested my soul.
The memories are stuck on repeat.
Wished it was a trick instead I was your treat.

How long before my dignity is reclaimed? Your eyes lied and looked unashamed.
Why did you betray my innocence? Are you running from the truth?
Why? Why? Why? I wonder, can you ever reward me my back my youth?

Should I forgive or should I forget?
When faced with the choice, I choose forgiveness with no regret
Because we both have demons to battle, mistakes, and sins
All I ever have is my worth and my freedom so a new life begins

Daddy: Queen Ifrica