Kudos To Me?

Posted by Aundra

There is something about compliments that scares me. Part of the reason may be that I am  afraid of getting something that can be subsequently taken away. I put myself in the hands of other people if I let my emotions lean on their statements.

Another reason: I am being put on the spot and now must watch what I do to keep them thinking this way about me.

Another: There is a part of me that knows I am not as good as their compliments imply.

Another: I have often been insincere when saying similar things.

The way I handle praise is honestly. Chelz said, ” you are one of the sweetest persons I have ever known”. I could have said, ” I believe I am sweet and but not as sweet as you see me.” We have known each other only for a short time and I have been putting my best foot forward. After you know me better I believe you will agree I can be as sour as the next girl.

My friendship with Chelz seems to typify a dynamic that many of my newly forming friendships go through. At first we saw only each others virtues. Now we are seeing only each others faults. If we make it through this latter stage, maybe we will see each other and truly be friends.

Interests change. Friendship based on mutual interests is doomed. Real friendship is an unshakable faith in what was once truly seen, no matter how recently or long ago.

Sometimes my contacts with people, even people I’m close to, are frustrating. Afterwards I feel dissatisfied, or sad, or even slightly irritated as if I have been wasting time. Surely these feelings must arise from a thwarting of my expectations. I go wanting something from the person and do not get it.

Things I might want: approval, help, fun, entertainment (escape from boredom), recogniton, love, sex, justification.

If I went wanting to be a friend rather than to have one, my want would not be frustrated.

Mood: Blah

Knowing Yourself —”What do you want?”

Posted by Aundra

Throughout my years on trying to find who I am, I have spoken with dozens of friends from all walks of life, and without a doubt the most prevalent questions that they have—-and the biggest challenge most face—revolve around relationships. Since it’s also my quest to find a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship I decided to post my thoughts and ponders on such challenge to try and identify the qualities in our selves and our partners.

Why does it seem to be more and more challenging to find a perfect mate or maintain a happy and compatible relationship? Was love always this difficult?  Is love  a myth? Why does it seem to be more complicated than ever to meet the right person and live happily ever after?

Before we probe that question, there may be other questions to consider. Perhaps the real questions are: Am I being the “right” one? Am I happy with who I am?  Do I have issues and fears that are preventing me from finding the love I desire? Do I truly know what I desire in relationship? Possibly we haven’t met the right person or created harmony in our current relationship because we don’t know who we are, or don’t know how to do our part to create a happy and healthy relationship. Or maybe we like who we are, but we don’t believe we can create the relationship we want.

Look at these vivid pictures: There are some of us who believes that our life partners would show up at the door, and that they would not have to do anything special, or change who they are to meet our needs. Then we have those who desperately seek to get married, searches in vain to find a compatible life partner, because of desperation to find a companion, they met someone, got married, and then realized they still were not happy. Which lead to divorce and out in the world searching for love again. One the other hand I know many friends who stay in unfulfilling, unhappy, and even unhealthy relationships because they are too frightened to be alone. Our current beliefs about ourselves, and our fears about relationships, are creating the problems. If we have unresolved fears and doubts, we sabotage our potential to create a wonderful relationship.

How can we be part of a healthy, fulfilling relationship if we don’t trust or like ourselves? How can we offer the best of ourselves to another when we secretly fear we are not at our best? How can we feel safe getting into a relationship when we fear it may be the wrong one and therefore could cause us pain? How can we trust ourselves, and therefore our choices, if we fear repeating our past mistakes? How can we create a wonderful relationship if we have given up on magic of love or have forgotten how lovable we truly are?  We all have heard that we must be happy with ourselves, but we don’t like that. Why can’t someone show up, love us unconditionally, and in doing so make our lives wonderful? The reason this wont work is that it takes two healthy, happy partners to create a healthy, happy relationship.

So the first step in finding and sustaining a wonderful relationship is to know, love, and value ourselves. Ask your self these soul-searching questions. Do you know deep within your heart what you truly desire what type of partner makes your heart sing? Do you know your true priorities? Are you being completely honest with yourself about the qualities you enjoy and the activities you really have no interest in? Are you being true to yourself, or are you searching for someone else’s idea of perfection? Do you want a partner who is predictable, a reliable provider who loves to come home every night? Are you a homebody? Do you want the house in the country, the well-mannered children, and an adoring partner who will be a wonderful father or mother to your children? Are you quite, practical, and conventional, but will you feel fulfilled with this type of person, or will you become restless and bored? Do you shy away from certain risks? Will you be able to handle unpredictable or impulsive behavior? Do you want to be with someone who will support you so you can have freedom to explore your creativity or start your own business?

Do you want a partner who is comfortable dealing with finances? Do you prefer to enjoy life’s simple pleasures and want someone who is easy going and easily pleased? Or do you want to be with someone who is highly motivated  and goal oriented?  Do you love having expensive possessions? Is this a strong priority? Do you understand that the type of person who provides such things may also not be at home much? Are you independent and self-confident enough to enjoy this type of relationship? Do you enjoy extra time and space for yourself? Do you value your independence and therefore need someone who will be busy with his or her own life? Or do you need a lot of companionship, reassurance, and validation from your mate? Do you prefer someone who challenges you to live up to your potential, someone who will inspire you to take chances and accomplish your greatest dreams? Or do you want a partner who will allow you to stay home so you do not need to interact with the outside world? Do you want a mate who loves to travel or does traveling frighten you? Do you need to be with someone who is open and communicative? Or do you prefer the strong, silent type?

Its just a matter of personal preference, whatever they may be, are valid. Just be aware of what they really are. Once you identify and understand yourself you will recognize the qualities that you desire in a partner. I hope this post will help you understand yourself and your love interest. Cheers!!