* may my life be like a roll of toilet paper…..long & useful *
O Hai Thar!
No matter who you are, if you judge anyone, you have no excuse. When you judge another person, you condemn yourself, since you, the judge, do the same things.[Romans 2:1]
Last week I learned two valuable lessons. The first is acknowledging self-discipline, the ability that I can keep on going despite what feels like low reserves. The second, I can now open my mind to all possibilities.
The decision to climb the hill came at a split second after a friend’s invite. I was stressed, weak and physically not prepared. I stocked up for the mission but uncertainty was at the forefront of my mind.
Ready, Set, No!!
The path between the starting line and the final destination was a long winding road I crept slowly, my calves growled for mercy, my throat stretched and pleaded for water I somehow managed to cross the finish line.
OK, the actuality I didn’t rebel. Respecting my efforts, respecting my self was firmly tightened under my belt.
As I walked, each day was different, climbing the hill got harder by the day and the weather was never certain. My muscles bled, my blood overheated and my mind was open to all, if not every possibility.
The principle seems to be : If you don’t give up, if you don’t lose hope, if you don’t sell out–anything is possible.
I am a promise, I am a possibility, I’m a great big bundle of potentiality.
All my life, I’ve written these words with no thoughts or intention of sharing them. Not even with my confidants. It wasn’t until going through my journals and notebooks that I realized how ready I am to share these secret thoughts. The experience below was so painful that the only way to express the confusion was to write it down. I have learned from the experience, I suffered from it and I have grown from it and I’m now aware of myself as a woman and as a person who goes through the things that cause life to be experienced in all its crazy, upside-down-sideways-inside- out glory. I am now aware of what I feel and how to deal and where to go from here. Reading these words reminds me that all i’ve gone through and all I’ve seen wasn’t in vain. It all adds up eventually.
I was your pretty little trophy;painted with smiles I displayed no pain.
You are, well, what are you my dad? I flinch at your name.
Memories haunt me the horrors are painted on my skin.
Fine lines define my torment and pain within.
You took my body and tore it in half as you held tightly to my calf.
I was so afraid of your physical strength; your hands were so big and rough.
I wrestled, I fought and I struggled, interestingly that wasn’t enough.
You told me to be quiet and not to tell a soul and eventually expressed that you had everything under control.
Where was my mother to protect me from your sickness, my shivering and such horror?
I was paralyzed but managed to run with tears and shame but the passage was too narrow
The outburst didn’t help as I ran through the mud. No one believed me not even my own blood.
How can I refrain from remembering when it’s all I’ve ever known?
Not only did you molest my body, you molested my soul.
The memories are stuck on repeat.
Wished it was a trick instead I was your treat.
How long before my dignity is reclaimed? Your eyes lied and looked unashamed.
Why did you betray my innocence? Are you running from the truth?
Why? Why? Why? I wonder, can you ever reward me my back my youth?
Should I forgive or should I forget?
When faced with the choice, I choose forgiveness with no regret
Because we both have demons to battle, mistakes, and sins
All I ever have is my worth and my freedom so a new life begins
Are you one of those people who is always there when somebody needs you? You know just what to say, exactly what to do to turn the worst situation into a conquerable challenge. Everybody calls on you. Everybody needs you. You are, after all, strong enough, smart enough, tough enough to make it through anything and everything.
Well, who do the strong go to? Who do the strong lean on? Where do the strong go when they are not feeling very strong? I set myself up to be an anchor for everybody else, causing me to jump ship on myself!
The need to be needed, the illusion that without us things would not get done, is actually the way we escape ourselves.
The strong have needs. The strong have weakness!
Sometimes those needs are so deep and painful that, rather than face them, the strong run away.
When the strong take the weight of the world on their shoulders, they eventually break down. The question is,
Who will be there for the strong?